When Stepmom Parents Differently Than Dad

Let’s just call it: parenting in a blended family isn’t a cute Instagram reel—it’s messy, unpredictable, and makes you question your sanity. A lot. 

One of the trickiest parts? Parenting differently than your husband. And as a stepmom mentioned in the comments of one of my last posts on Instagram, adding the element of having your own kids in the mix just adds a cherry on top of the chaos sundae.

You set a bedtime. He shrugs it off. 

You ask for homework to be done before screens. He thinks it’s “not a big deal.” 

You ask for a task to be finished before they go do something fun. He says, “practicing for sports is important, too,” so outside they go to play and the task sits unfinished for yet another week since they’re going back to their mom’s. 

You’re over here trying to teach life skills and consistency while he’s just trying to keep the peace because he feels guilty or doesn’t want another fight with his ex.

Your kids follow these rules. His kids don’t. Maybe you have an “ours baby” that follows a completely different set of rules. 

Sound familiar? You’re not crazy. And you’re not wrong. This is enough to drive a girl mad.

My toddler’s sleep schedule has always had to follow his older brother’s schedule (thanks to late extracurriculars, like baseball games from 7PM-9PM on a weeknight—don’t get me started on that one). 

So in order to make it work, his sleep schedule has always been from about 9PM-9AM, even as an itty bitty baby. (Yes, it’s late but yes, it works for us.)

Well, my stepson’s wind down time used to be 8:30PM. And trust me when I tell you, we heard about his baby brother having a later bedtime than him. Like, a lot. 

The answer was always the same. 

“You are older and can get yourself to bed on your own. Your brother needs one of us to put him down because he’s little and cannot do things on his own.”

When we’re packing lunches, doing dishes, cleaning up after dinner, signing binders for the older one, etc., it can take time to get to the point where we’re ready to put him down. But a 10 year age gap will do that and it can very well cause some tension. 

So, here’s my take on having some very obvious differences between children and how to navigate them.

Age-Appropriate Differences & the Fair vs. Equal Trap

Here’s the thing: kids aren’t all the same. An 1-year-old doesn’t need the same rules, expectations, or consequences as an 11-year-old—and that’s okay. Parenting differently doesn’t have to mean favoritism—it can mean age-appropriate guidance.

One of the biggest traps stepmoms fall into? Trying to be “equal” instead of “fair.” Equal means everyone gets the exact same treatment. Fair means everyone gets what they actually need to thrive. That might look like:

• Letting the 11-year-old handle homework independently while the 1-year-old needs constant supervision and support.
• Giving the older child more responsibility around chores or routines while focusing on safety and care for the toddler.
• Setting expectations that match each child’s developmental stage, rather than forcing everyone into the same rules.
• Understanding that your stepchild’s life doesn’t stop when they’re at their mom’s house, so not putting everything on pause for your own child(ren).

Fairness isn’t about being identical. It’s about meeting each child where they are while keeping your values intact. When you embrace this, you stop getting stuck in guilt or comparison and start focusing on what actually works for your family.

Stop Making “Different” Mean “Bad”

And now I’m talking about parenting, not kids. Different doesn’t equal wrong. It means you’re two adults with totally different backstories, triggers, and parenting role models. He’s bringing years of guilt, maybe some co-parenting landmines, and his own upbringing into the mix. You’re bringing your instincts, your values, and maybe your own kids. Of course you don’t match.

“Parenting out of guilt” is actually a recurring conversation I had with my therapist because it was a big trigger for me when my husband didn’t care nearly as much about something as I did. Spoiler: it was a trigger because my mom parented my youngest [half] sister like that and she got away with ev. ery. thing. 

Your husband might be going through this phase of parenting. Or maybe, he’s lived through years of a tumultuous dynamic with the ex so he’s not willing to open the floodgates to that again.

A different perspective is sometimes needed in situations like this (as hard as it is).

When Your Own Kids Get Different Rules

Let’s be real: it stings when your stepkids get a little more leeway or are held to different expectations than your own kids. Maybe your stepkid gets a later bedtime, a different screen limit, or more freedom around chores. And yes, it can feel unfair—or like your own kids are getting the short end of the stick.

I'm a huge advocate for discussing these things openly and fairly with your partner. Acknowledging your feelings and having an honest discussion rooted in understanding, not blame, can go a long way. But if you're at the point where you've talked about this time and time again with little to no resolution, this next part is for you.

Here’s the truth: it’s okay to have different rules when the circumstances are different. The blending of two families means you both have a history and bond with each set of kids that allows for more flexibility and patience than the others. That doesn’t mean your own kids are “less than,” but back to my last point: it means fair isn’t always equal.

How to handle it without guilt:

1. Acknowledge your feelings – It’s okay to feel frustrated, jealous, or guilty. Those feelings don’t make you a bad stepmom—they make you human.
2. Stay consistent with your biological kids and your stepkids – Keep rules clear and consistent for your own children, even if your stepkids get slightly different privileges. Consistency is more important than “identical treatment.”
3. Explain when it matters (if age-appropriate) – For older stepkids, a simple: “Your sibling has a different routine because of how long they’ve been doing it this way, but you’ll get there soon.”
   
   Something as simple as that can go a long way in reducing resentment.
4. Check your lens – Ask yourself: Are the differences based on fairness, logistics, or convenience? Make sure it’s intentional and not just “easier” for your biological kids because of your bond.
5. Model respect and empathy – Show both your kids and stepkids that everyone’s needs are valid, even if the rules look different. That’s the real lesson in fairness.

Remember: different rules don’t equal favoritism, they equal intentional parenting for each child’s needs—and keeping your own sanity intact.

Your Rules Are Probably Going To Get Overturned

Sometimes, your perspective might be exactly what balances the house. Maybe you bring structure where he’s more flexible. Or you offer calm when he’s quick to react. The mix can make the family stronger—if you stop treating your differences like a threat.

But sometimes… your opinion is going to get trumped by, well, their dad. 

And as hard as it might be to hear, this could be a sign for you to take a step back & disengage. 

Have the Hard Conversations—Without an Audience

The kitchen, with kids eavesdropping, is the worst place to debate discipline. Save those conversations for private time. Lead with curiosity instead of accusations:

“I noticed we handle bedtime differently. Can we figure out what matters most here?”

“I feel like the bad guy when I want all the kids to follow rules that you don’t enforce. How can we get on the same page?”

Or… a hint that it’s time to disengage.

“I’ve noticed some tension building between me and the kids. I need to step back from disciplining for awhile so I don’t get frustrated or escalate things. Can you handle that part for now, and we’ll debrief later?”

A lighter version… 

“Okay, this feels like a ‘Dad moment.’ I’m tapping out—your turn!"

But in all of this, remember: You’re On the Same Team

When you’re disengaging, it’s okay to have a private chat about expectations and then, you have to be ready to let some sh*t go if it doesn’t go the way it was supposed to.

Here’s the bottom line:

Even if you’re parenting out of love, you might just end up looking like the bad guy.

Sometimes you need to take a step back for your own sanity and to protect the vibe of your home.

If you’re ready to stop overthinking every parenting move and start feeling confident in your unique style, I’m running the 7 Day Stepmom Reset starting September 22. Together, we’ll set gentle boundaries, shift your energy, and help you remember you’re more than the chaos around you.

And if you want extra support? My 1:1 coaching spots are opening up, so you can get personalized guidance for your family, your rules, and your sanity. Send me a DM if you’re interested in starting.

You don’t have to do this alone—and you don’t have to do it perfectly. You just need to show up as yourself.