When Holidays (Finally) Aren’t That Complicated for a Stepmom

As I’m writing this, I’m realizing—for the first time ever—our holidays as a blended family might actually not be that complicated this year. Why? Because of a scheduled C-section.

Yep. It literally will take me being cut open for us to finally have an uncomplicated Christmas Eve to Christmas morning. Life’s funny like that.

But as I think about it more, most of my holiday frustrations don’t even come from being a blended family—they come from being a fire family.

My husband is a firefighter, and I don’t know how it works where you live, but here in California, their schedules are no joke. Our state’s basically a tinderbox, and he’s usually gone for six days at a time, with four to eight days off in between—weekends, holidays, everything included.

If you think that leads to a wild custody schedule, you’re absolutely right. And holidays? Usually a logistical nightmare.

So take everything I say here with a grain of salt. Every family’s setup is different, and however you choose to do the holidays is completely up to you.

You don’t have to do it all

When I say I used to go all out, I mean all out. My first year as a stepmom, I bought 24 days worth of Christmas crafts to make an “advent calendar.” To be fair, it was inspired by one of my closest friends who’s basically Wonder Woman in mom form—wakes up at 5 a.m. to bake bread, makes everything from scratch, and somehow holds it all together beautifully.

I quickly learned that I am not her. And that it was mostly a waste of money considering we didn't even have him for 24 days out of the month.

These days, I choose one or two Christmas crafts (and yes, this will apply to Hudson + baby too now). I’ll set everyone up with some hot chocolate, put on a movie for them, and call it a win.

Here’s my confession though: I actually hate watching movies. Unless I’ve personally picked it and I’m watching alone, I just can’t do it. ADHD, maybe? Who knows. 

I used to sit through every movie, every board game, every activity, every family event—and honestly, I’d get so frustrated. Now I’ve learned it’s perfectly fine to step away. My husband and the kids can have their movie time, and I’ll read a book or busy myself with something else.

So if you don’t want to partake in absolutely everything this season, give yourself permission to enjoy the space you’ve created during a wildly busy time.

The dreaded holiday schedule planning

As I sit and write this, I’m also begging my husband to finalize the schedule between us and my stepson’s other family—because this year, things look a little different.

With my husband planning to take FMLA for the birth of our baby, he’ll actually be home for eight weeks from December through January. Which means… our holiday celebrations might actually fall on the holidays themselves (a true miracle).

Normally, with his chaotic work schedule, we don’t have a clean-cut custody schedule written into our agreement. We’ve typically followed an every-other-year rotation for holidays, depending on when he’s off work.

For many families, those details are clearly laid out in the custody agreement—so first things first, start there. Having something written down helps remove the emotion and guesswork.

But if nothing’s outlined, that’s where things can get messy—especially if you get emotionally attached to a specific outcome. Start planning early. Be flexible. And most importantly? Remember that these kids are people, not property. When the focus becomes “our time” or “her time,” they’re the ones who end up losing.

We’ve had events fall on either “our time” or his mom’s time, and when we can make it work, we do. It’s usually for a good reason—especially around the holidays. A little flexibility goes a long way toward keeping the season peaceful for everyone. 

But ultimately? If you don’t get the holiday you hoped for, remember that any day can be a holiday when you’re all together. We abide by this often. Will I still make the day special for my children? Of course. But if it means doing Christmas the day before or after, we just make it work. It doesn’t mean it’s not disappointing sometimes, but such is life. 

Let the traditions flow naturally

This part is really for the new stepmoms stepping into an already established family and trying to find your place. It can feel hard—and honestly, a little daunting—especially when existing traditions highlight just how new you are.

My best advice? Try your best not to let your ego win here (easier said than done). Blending a family doesn’t mean erasing everything that came before you. Some traditions might be meaningful to them, and it’s okay to let them have that. The hope is that they’ll invite you in, and together you’ll start building new ones together.

Oddly enough, my husband’s ex once told me about something she used to do for my mother-in-law every year—she’d make a photo album of pictures of my stepson and give it to her for Christmas. She told me she figured my MIL would rather see our memories instead of hers, now. I thought it was a great idea, so I decided to continue the tradition but with my own spin. Funny enough, it was one of the things I actually didn’t get a pit in my stomach about back then.

Over time, you’ll begin to build your own traditions and memories that blend naturally with the old ones. Eventually, those “pre-existing” traditions won’t feel like someone else’s—they’ll just feel like yours.

On the subject of tradition... meet "compromise"

I’m kind of a tree decorating control freak. I get it from my mom. I don’t like colored lights. Every ornament has a place on the tree — big sparkly ones directly under a light tucked in the back, little ones on the edge of a branch, and filler picks in between the gaps. So when a child with zero desire for order or aesthetics comes along asking to help, my eye starts twitching.

My husband and I used to get into it every year. “So you mean to say the kids can’t help you decorate the tree?” 

Yes, sir. That’s exactly what it means. But I knew we had to find a compromise. 

So as much as it killed me to let little hands touch my masterpiece, I found it in me to do 2 things: 

1. I got each boy their own tree for their rooms. Hudson will now have to share his tree with his sister. They can decorate it with all the colors and mismatch to their hearts desire.
2. I will now give very detailed lessons on what to look for when decorating the main tree, focusing on teaching them how to look for little details — something I know their future wives will appreciate. 

…and then I move the ornament to wherever I want it once they eventually get over it.

You win some, you lose some.

The holidays don’t have to feel like you’re carrying the weight of it all on your shoulders. 

1. Don’t let the pressure of doing it all consume you.
2. Schedule early, communicate well, stick to the agreement wherever possible — but stay flexible.
3. Let the traditions flow naturally. Over time, you will create your own together that make everything else feel like a distant memory. 
4. Compromise for the sake of your family sometimes. Even if it kills you. 

Taylor