What To Do When Your Husband's Ex Doesn't Like You

If you’ve ever felt like your husband’s ex wife just does not like you—no matter how kind, respectful, or low-drama you try to be—you’re not alone. 

This is one of the most common challenges stepmoms face, and honestly? It can feel deeply unfair.

You might find yourself asking:

Why does my husband’s ex hate me?

Why does she shoot me down when I’ve tried to be friends?

How can she dislike me when I care for her child?

You’re just out here trying to build a safe, loving home for your stepkids, yet you’re met with resistance, criticism, or even outright hostility.

So what do you do when the ex doesn’t like you?

Let’s break it down.

Remember—it’s not really about you (or maybe it is).

Even though it feels personal, often it’s not.

Maybe she’s very protective of her kids. Maybe she’s uncomfortable with another woman playing a role in her children’s lives.

Much of her resentment may be in what you represent.

She may be grieving the end of her marriage. Or the fact that she doesn’t get her children 100% of the time (I know I’d be heartbroken to not have my son with me every day). 

 Maybe there’s an element of jealousy over the version of your husband that she got versus what you have. 

If you know Jana Kramer’s song I Got the Boy, the lyrics say, “I got the boy and she got the man.”  That hit me once because the version of my husband I met was the elevated one. With age came stability, wisdom, and experiences that only time could grant—especially since he’d married so young the first time around. 

The vacations. The way he handled an in-law situation. The career has been established. The emotional maturity + wisdom + life experience he's gained over the years that he didn't have before. I can see how that alone might stir up resentment.

And yes, sometimes it is actually about you. None of these reasons excuse bad behavior, but it may help you depersonalize it. Her dislike usually says more about her pain, insecurities, or struggles than it does about your worth.

Own your role in the messiness

This one stirs up a bit of drama amongst the stepmom community, but blended family life doesn’t always bring out our best selves either.

Stepmotherhood is the ultimate mirror—it shines a light on insecurities we didn’t even know we had and brings them to center stage. And those insecurities can shape how we react. There is absolutely no judgment here because I’ve been there.

I’ve done things I’m not proud of. I’ve said things I wish I could take back. I’ve reacted in ways that I’d never react now. 

While I didn’t set out to start arguments, I definitely didn’t make things any better. And most of the time, it’s because I was in touchy situations that I just didn’t yet know how to handle and my nervous system was on overdrive.

Dare I say, I matched that high conflict energy. 

If you’ve had moments you’re not proud of, it’s okay to own them. Apologize if you need to. Do the healing work. For me, guided meditations from To Be Magnetic helped me process and release a lot of unspoken words that I'd likely never have the opportunity to actually say.

Stop trying to “convince” her to like you. 

Here’s where so many stepmoms get stuck… you can’t change the mind of someone who, at the end of the day, is determined to not like you. 

No matter how much you care. No matter how nice you are. No matter how accommodating you might be. No matter how many times you offer help. Not even if you invite her into your home.

The hard truth? If they don’t want to like you, your efforts will be wasted. 

A real life example… 

My stepson’s mom bought him a lunch box for middle school. Sweet, thoughtful, fine. But he was amped on getting hot school lunches. So one day he came home with just a small baked potato from the cafeteria—left uneaten—because the line was too long. That was it. No actual meal.

We were annoyed—at the school, not her—and decided we’d start sending him with leftovers so he didn’t have to depend on unpredictably long cafeteria lines. But these weren’t sandwich-type lunches. We’re talking rice and chicken, taco bowls, pasta salad—stuff you can’t exactly toss into a Ziploc. So we bought him a bento box that could slide right into his lunch box. Easy fix, right?

Except… one day he forgot his lunch box here and took only the bento box over there. Boom. Instant fireworks. And not the fun kind.

My husband explained (nicely!) that we weren’t replacing her lunch box, it was literally just a container to go inside it and hold food. But every week since, my stepson has come back saying how much she “hates even seeing the one we bought.” Because apparently, in her mind, him using our container equals us “getting rid of” her lunch box.

Like… really? This is what we’re making into a problem?

To wrap it up, we just asked him if he understands why we got it for him—and btw, he packs his own lunch and chooses his own containers—he said, “Of course, it’s logical.” We left it at that. 

So even a small, well-intentioned action turned into conflict.

That was a reminder for me: you can’t always control how things are received. Sometimes, no matter how harmless your intent, she’s going to interpret it through her own lens.

Final Thoughts

You don’t need your husband’s ex to like you in order to be a good stepmom. Your energy is better spent building your relationship with your stepkids, strengthening your marriage, and staying grounded in who you are.

Her approval is not a requirement for your worth.

Quick Tips for When the Ex Doesn’t Like You (screenshot these for a quick reference)

• Don’t take it personally—her dislike usually reflects her struggles, not your value.

• Focus on building connection with your stepkids, not winning her approval.

• Respect her role as “Mom” even when she doesn’t respect yours. Sometimes a simple, "why don't you ask your mom what she thinks?" goes a long way.

• Communicate through your partner, not directly with her (when possible).

• Hold boundaries without building walls—you can protect your peace without shutting down.

• Stop pouring energy into convincing her to like you. Redirect it into your marriage and family.