How To Be The Perfect Stepmom

I packed up my young stepson on transition days to give my partner a break.

I showed up to every event, practice, and game.

I cleared my schedule when my partner and stepson were home to make myself available to them.

I grocery shopped and made dinners. 

I made each day fun—filled with games, friends, and toys. 

I made advent calendars over Christmas and bought 24 days worth of Christmas crafts to do. I made a jar for the freakin’ elf on the shelf and revived its magic with crushed candy canes over FaceTime when someone accidentally touched it. 

The house was spotless whenever my husband got home. 

I bit my tongue every time a story was shared that reminded me that I was the outsider all over again. And then I cried behind closed doors.

I stayed silent about the dynamics with the ex or anything I noticed with my stepson - even if it was killing me to do so. 

I did all the things. 

I did everything right. I did what I needed to do to be the perfect stepmom, according to the outside world. 

So why did I feel more alone than I ever had in my life?
Why did I spend nights crying on the floor of my bedroom, wondering what I got myself into when my husband’s ex had something to say about me?
Why did I try so hard if no one noticed what I was doing? 

Why did I question my every little move I made?
Why could I not stop obsessing over their relationship and feeling like I was just slipping into someone else’s role that had been vacated? 

Why did I always feel like I was second? Second wife, second in line of priority, second everything. 

Why did I resent my partner, my stepson, and my life?
Why did I obsess over every text from the ex, every interaction?
Why did I care so much about writing the responses and making sure I was heard?
Why did I feel like I was drowning?

Why did I feel like I was living someone else’s life?

And why do so many stepmoms feel the same way? 

Because it starts with the desire to not feel like a stranger in your own home. It turns into wanting to seem like you have it all together. You want to prove your commitment to this new life, this new family. You sacrifice it all. You want your stepkids to love you. You silently compete with their mother. You make her the villain because it’s easier than looking at yourself in the mirror. 

And then, one day… you realize you’ve lost yourself. 

You’re not the fun loving, spontaneous girl you used to be. You’ve isolated yourself because no one understands what you’re going through. You become resentful because you’ve given everything and have very little to show for it in return. 

 But then, you start working out again. Maybe you find a gym or a membership that works (like Orangetheory).

You pick up a book on boundaries because you realize you have none, and you start to set some (for yourself, and for those around you). 

You make a lunch plan with your friend you haven’t seen in ages, and that turns into wine in the evening while you watch your favorite show. The one that’s been sitting in the recordings section for 4 weeks. 

You start to journal, taking a real, honest look at yourself, your actions, and your triggers. 

You disengage from the things that have been burning you out. 

You find community in other stepmoms that also want to really change, not just complain.

Then it hits you: things can change—because you’ve seen it happen in other people’s lives. You have the power to say no to what no longer serves you. You can repair your relationships, both romantic and platonic.

You can ask for help without sacrificing it all. You can let go of the idea of perfect. You can have peace in your home. You can live without the feeling of existential dread every time your stepkids come over. You can attend events or games without wanting to hide the whole time. 

You can believe it—because that woman, once a girl completely in over her head, was me.

You don’t have to figure it all out alone. You can get guidance, tools, and strategies to navigate the messy, emotional, and often overwhelming world of stepmom life. 

And you don’t have to do it in isolation. The stepmom society we’re building is full of women who get it—who have been in the trenches, felt the same doubts, and are committed to lifting each other up. Here, you can share your wins, explore new ways to handle challenges, and learn from others who are living the same reality.

You can survive the chaos, you can protect your energy, and you can thrive in this blended family life—without losing yourself in the process. You don’t have to do it all. You don’t have to do it alone.

If you’re ready to stop drowning and start truly living in your stepmom role with confidence, support, and a community that has your back, help is waiting—and so is your peace.

If you’re ready for support through coaching and community, send me a message and take the next step toward creating the stepmom life you actually want.